How self-criticism can limit you

In this article, I want to point out how I have observed and pointed out to my patients how much self-criticism can negatively influence people’s lives. Complaints related to anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, attention deficit, and so many others, have self-punishment and self-criticism as a common factor.

How do I identify if I am self-critical?

This pattern of behavior can manifest itself clearly or in a subtle way, through symptoms. Binge eating for example, although it has a pleasure associated with the consumption of food, is followed by guilt and mental punishments with phrases that disparage those who experienced the episode. Some patients report saying to themselves “I can’t believe you did it again. You really are very out of control” (sic). In still other scenarios, after not being successful in a test, for example, thoughts like: “I knew I wouldn’t pass, I didn’t study as much as I should. I must have some cognitive limitation. Why do I still try these things? I should give up instead “(sic).

In addition to recurring thoughts, it is possible to be self-critical through unconscious acts in order to punish yourself. Again, these behaviors can appear through substance abuse, shopping addiction, overeating, social media addiction (which includes following people who remind you of how “miserable” you are).

If you identify with any of the examples mentioned above, you are probably self-critical of yourself and then I recommend that you continue reading.

Self-criticism and perfectionism

Most self-critics do not take the risk of being judged as harshly as they have already done it themselves. With that, they do not place themselves because they are frightened and hurt. However, these punishments are subtle and repeated and, in most cases, they occur naturally, making it difficult to identify and change them. The self-critic also tends to be a perfectionist and believes that if he is not perfect it is better not to do it. They are people who are generally more intolerant of their own faults than others.
The sieve of judgment and evaluation of a self-critical person becomes increasingly restricted and overtime is considered to be true, even though there is not enough evidence about it. This phenomenon is called confabulation.

Self-criticism and confabulations

Confabulation is the story we tell ourselves several times until we come to believe and take it for granted. For example, if after finishing a class you stay to clarify a doubt with a teacher and, after stopping your conversation he realizes that he took a deep breath, as if he was relieved, you can leave and you can easily start the process of confabulation. You can say to yourself phrases like: “This teacher must think I am boring. I realized that he looked at me strangely when he asked questions. I must be the most irritating student he has”, and so on. However, the reason for the teacher’s sigh could be linked to another factor, for example, he remembered that he did not pay the electricity bill as his wife had asked in the morning. That is, the only information we have so far, and that was the trigger to start the process of confabulation is the teacher’s sigh.
Our brain works very well with confabulations because it seeks explanations about stories that happen to us, thus saving energy, always trying to guess how relationships are established. However, when it comes to perspective, much is lost in this information processing. A person who is already prone to self-criticism tends to use confabulation to justify and feed his own insecurities, that is, the story we tell ourselves can serve as a weapon against ourselves.

Breaking the cycle of self-criticism

You have probably heard of self-compassion and, although everything may seem very idealized and distant, research in the field has indicated the power of the consistent practice of self-compassion, as a watershed for a person who tends to criticize himself. With this in mind, self-compassion is a good antidote to conscious or unconscious self-critical behavior.
In the book “Self-compassion: stop torturing yourself and leave insecurity behind” K.Neff (2017), the author made some reflections on the theme, including the ease we have in projecting compassion outwards to the detriment of inwards. For example, you probably wouldn’t even say to a close friend the following phrase: “Wow, how stupid are you. Don’t you ever learn?”, Or things like, “Wow, you’re going to be ashamed of yourself and go on a diet, you are huge of fat “. However, we could say this naturally and even with some frequency to ourselves. This cycle needs to be stopped, because it is very painful to hear it from ourselves, with no one to defend us.

To interrupt the self-criticism cycle, I suggest you follow some of the tips below.

1. Make a list of the main self-critical thoughts that often wander in your head. Try to understand where these beliefs came from and when you have been repeating them to yourself.
2. Differentiate others’ expectations from yours. We are often too critical because we believe they expect something from us. For example, we often look for the ideal body without even asking ourselves if it makes sense to us. Others give up dreams because they believe that a particular profession will be better recognized or seen. By differentiating what is yours from what is of the other, it is easier to decide if the criticism is indeed valid or not.
3. Check how much self-criticism paralyzes you and prevents you from proceeding. Hard thoughts about ourselves often work as a great self-sabotaging mechanism. If we ourselves say that we are not capable or adequate to do something, why would we even try to leave the comfort zone? Write what you would do differently if all those phrases you say to yourself disappear.
4. Use post-its to your advantage. After identifying the main triggers of self-critical thoughts, spread reminders around the house with kind phrases for yourself. Also make a little pot of achievements, where every day, you record things that you are proud of and do well. Whenever you pass through this jar, you will remember that, although there are still some flaws, there is a lot to celebrate as well.
5. Be patient with yourself. Understand, no one is born self-critical or self-compassionate, but over the years we have become that way, and we have naturalized this way of living. If you decided to be more self-compassionate, understand that what was built in years will not be completely deconstructed in days. Be patient and believe, you have enough brain potential and plasticity to learn new skills.
6. Write! The last tip seems simple, but it is very powerful. Writing can be therapeutic because it allows us to look at ourselves in perspective. Find a regularity that you can accomplish, whether once a day, a week, or even a month, in which you record what you are feeling, how you are seeing yourself in that period. Check with yourself regularly.

To finish…

I have already received inquiries in the clinic if the lack of self-criticism could not create individuals that are too accommodated, fragile, and “too soft”, because there would be no motivation to improve. This idea that kindness can be an alibi for self-indulgence is a big taboo. Imagine, when you are a child and accidentally drop a glass plate that breaks. If the mother’s reaction is to fight and call the child clumsy and still send her to her room, that child may feel doubly punished. The fact that he broke his plate is already too harsh, to immediately receive a negative reaction from his mother. In adulthood, it works the same way. Suppose you studied for a test hard but received an unsatisfactory result. The first frustration is already the result of the test and if you come home saying several things to yourself like “I knew you wouldn’t pass. You are really stupid, you should give up”, you are basically making worse what was already bad. That is, in an attempt to feel better, you feel worse and as a consequence, the probability of you going back to study for this test again is very low because the experience, in general, was very negative.

In contrast, studies have proven that the use of self-compassion tools increases efficiency and productivity in all groups evaluated. People who practice self-compassion after an event of frustration have shown more resilience and flexibility in adapting or even creating a new scenario. That is, by being kind to ourselves, recognizing our humanity in failing, we will become more resilient and adaptive whenever necessary.